How toxic masculinity led to my Ghanaian neighbour's misery | View
“The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.”
Bell Hooks, 2003
As a young girl growing up in Ghana I became friends with my neighbour, let's call him Frank.
The first time I saw him, his mother was carefully wrapping him in a heavy, hand-woven, brightly coloured Kente cloth. His pubescent muscular arms carried the robe, creasing it in just the right places. His soft eyes gazed into the distance, trying to harden. He looked regal. This was the first time Frank was presented to me, almost as an object: MAN. We celebrated together. The boy did not yet fully comprehend that the weight of that Kente cloth was only a portion of the weight of the responsibilities and the grappling with complex emotions that was to come.
Frank's mother struggled to make ends meet. His father was completely absent, and Frank could not stand to see his mother sacrifice and suffer. She did her best by cutting corners and limiting his options, in case she could not afford them. He dreamt of making money. That would make him a successful man. It was how he thought he would end the suffering.
In search of a better life, Frank migrated from Abidjan to Accra, where he worked in construction. There, he met a young lady who understood him. Her name was Mercy. They fell in love. They made plans. He wanted to be an honourable man. A provider. His mother would tell him, in rare conversations, “Frank, you have to be a man!” Frank always confidently obliged, never admitting he didn’t understand what it meant. He was in love but had no idea how to express it. There were tender boys in our neighbourhood, who seemed comfortable being affectionate with each other. We knew they were gay. Frank secretly yearned to have this type of intimacy- a non-sexualized comfort among men. But he was also appalled by it. Frank had dreamt of leaving and returning a wealthy man who could take care of people's needs.
Through deals with a “connection man,” Frank spent his savings on fake documents and a ticket to Germany. Just as he was leaving, his by-now wife, Mercy, announced she was pregnant. He was overjoyed. He had a clear purpose as he went to Germany: to work hard, and support his family. But once in Germany, Frank, the gentle giant, was alone, and spent months in shameful tears. He was in a strange country, living in constant fear of being deported and losing everything. With time, he settled into a job, got a drivers license, and an apartment of his own. He also found himself a girlfriend who could keep him company during his loneliness.
Source: https://www.euronews.com/2020/10/02/how-toxic-masculinity-led-to-my-ghanaian-neighbour-s-misery
