“So, Rock It”: Challenging Toxic Motherhood

On Blac Chyna and the wrath of mothers too narcissistic to love anyone else more than themselves…. Even their own children.

Blac Chyna flipped her lush Chaka Khan-inspired hair boldly and dramatically over her shoulder. After listening to her mom berate her for what seemed like an eternity to the viewer (and Chyna herself), she’s had enough. Chyna’s mother, Tokyo Toni, renowned for dragging her daughter publically, has just threatened to “rock” her world and she’s over it.

“So, rock it,” Chyna says (almost) flippantly.

Toni is apoplectic at this and I detect a hint of shock. I watched the clip on a loop on Twitter gleefully several more times, pleased to see another toxic mother put her in place and even happier to see another daughter freed.

I’ve been there.

Except in my case, my mother had physically assaulted me and I had no choice but to let the pent up rage and resentment take me and fight back. I would do it again because she deserved it. I didn’t try to hurt her, but I didn’t care either, and ultimately the onslaught of my wildly flying fists — my eyes were closed as I was crying — repelled her attack.

What started all of this? She took my then-husband aside to insult my choice of clothes. She didn’t share her disapproval for my choice of top until later, and it was to imply that I was being a slut. Boundaries are for countries to this woman, not for relationships.

When I watched that clip, I was happy that Blac Chyna was strong enough to stand up to her mother. I also recognized how tiring dealing with toxic mothers like Tokyo Toni can be. That’s why Chyna called her bluff and told her to “rock” the world she was threatening to assault. At some point you get tired of these women’s constant bloviation and wildly flying threats.

What’s mind-blowing is this is an abomination of the mother-daughter relationship and what it should be. Your children are supposed to be your world or a substantial, irreplaceable part of it. In threatening to “rock” Chyna’s world, she failed to see or acknowledge that Chyna is supposed to be her world. Why would you destroy your own world?

Since I last wrote my piece on narcissistic mothers, I’ve stopped talking to my mother many times. She will always be disrespectful and narcissistic, so I’ve come to terms and am content when we don’t talk for long stretches. There are periods where a somewhat normal relationship seems possible, but narcissistic mothers are incapable of doing any better.

It’s quite easy for me to ignore her calls, and simply respond with texts because my time is precious and I choose to invest it wisely. My children get my time. My husband gets my time. My community gets my time. My mother forfeited her time and access with each and every petty, cruel act or platitude; every disrespectful act that made me cry in front of my children. She gets the same amount of time an acquaintance would get and it’s quite easy for me to go about my life without speaking to her for months… Like an acquaintance. After all, “we are not friends” in her words.

I realize that any remorse I may feel on occasion is not because she’s my mother and I’m supposed to love her. When mothers push you away, this happens. I feel this way because I’m a human being and I believe in treating others the way I want to be treated. I don’t want to ignore her phone calls or distance myself from her any more than anyone else. I just have to in order to be free. It’s a honed defense mechanism that serves me well. It allows me to dote on my own children because I don’t have to invest time in her.

That’s the problem, though, isn’t it? If we apply that golden rule to toxic, narcissistic moms like Tokyo Toni and my own, they don’t want to be treated very well by the way they treat their children — especially their daughters. How you treat your children is a reflection of how much or little you value yourself. If a parent’s love isn’t unconditional and nurturing to their children, it’s crystal clear that they are incapable of fully loving (or even liking) themselves.

Some people will say that it’s unnecessary to single out toxic black mothers, using examples and anecdotes of their white, Asian, or Latino friends’ toxic mothers. Newsflash: There are toxic mothers in every race and community, but I can only talk about what I see in mine based on what I’ve experienced personally and as a mentor. However, the pathologies for each group aren’t cut and paste. Each community is affected by this exploitative superstructure differently, therefore their interactions will vary in some ways.

A lot of these women are toxic because they are misogynistic and sexist themselves and this leads to damaged daughters and shitty sons. A lot of these women are toxic because they never had the wherewithal, the means, or both to seek therapy for the issues that lead them to attack their own children physically, emotionally, and/or verbally.

Blac Chyna’s mother worked in an industry that thrives on racism, exploitation, misogyny, sexism, and capitalist fuckery: Pornography. This is an industry where women are chattel, little more than holes that need filling with various objects and phalluses. This is an industry where “black sluts” and “illegal teen sluts” are surrounded by men in Border Patrol or KKK (clown) garb before being set upon by these usually unattractive actors. Without the necessary self-reflection and introspection, these women will internalize the endemic hatred of women that’s canon to modern porn. And while not all of our mothers worked in such a blatantly exploitative industry, they were still affected by the system that foments and allows said industry to flourish.

Read all articles from this link https://medium.com/proletariat/so-rock-it-challenging-toxic-motherhood-3aa612a76c31