GENDER TALK #1: Love and Money in Equal Relationships

 

On Thursday afternoon January 17, 2019, Ms. Doan Thi Ngoc- the Founder of Gender Talk and Lecturer, Department of Liberal Education, Faculty of Social Sciences, HSU, announced today Gender Talk Project Launch at Hoa Sen University (HSU). Gender Talk aims to raise awareness among students and the community on gender issues and gender equality in Vietnam and in the world. Gender Talk strives to create a space for professionals, students, and individuals to explore, share, and exchange multi-dimensional gender perspectives.

The first Gender Talk kicked off with three topics: 1. How The Four Virtues of Women-Housework (Cong) -Appearance (Dung) -Speech (Ngon) - Virtue (Hanh) Should Be Changed in the Modern Era” presented by a groups of HSU students called “Six Senses”, 2. Youth Perspectives on Body Image presented by a male group, and 3. Love and Money in Equal Relationships by Ms. Nguyen Thi Ngoc who is a counselor.

First, according to Six Sense, Four traditional Virtues of Vietnamese Women: Housework-Appearance-Speech-Virtues by Confucius, is detrimental to women in modern society because these concepts are out of date and imposed only on women, so it is unfair.

Housework means that traditional Vietnamese women must be skillful in managing household chores, caring for their husbands and children, nurturing their children, and teaching them to behave well. All household responsibilities are placed on the wife’s shoulders.

Appearance means that traditional Vietnamese women are taught to obtain a noble soul and altruism. Women in the past are not considered pretty, even though they seem charming. Women must care about their husbands, their children, their families more than anything else. Thus, Vietnamese have a proverb that relates to “appearance”, that is “Cai net danh chet cai dep,” meaning the “beauty of the soul beats the appearance.” In contrast, nowadays, those meanings have faded. Many women care a lot more about their appearance, including fair skin, hair, face, and fashionable clothing.

Regarding “Ngon-Speech”, women must have soft, gentle, sweet voice. Women in the past spoke softly and kindly. If they spoke loudly, they are considered aggressive, fierce, and not well-educated by their mothers. Many modern women today dare to speak frankly, forcefully, and loudly at work, and dare to stand up for their rights and fight for gender inequality in family and social relations.

In term of virtue, it means that women get married and live with her husband’s family. Women must be loyal to their husbands. They cannot look at other men. In addition, women must balance their self-respect with other members to maintain happiness for the family, and they are called “noi tuong”-the one who manages the family while the man is the breadwinner. This characteristic still remains today and leads to a double-shift for modern women.

Six Sense said that these attributes are unfair for women in current times. Women today have more rights and opportunities in the family and society. Therefore, the concept of Cong Dung-Ngon-Hanh may need to change to fit new perspectives or they would be dismissed, or perhaps they should be taught to both men and women.

Six Sense stressed that after they experienced the Gender and Development Course with Professor Doan Thi Ngoc, they think that we should boldly build values such as respect, confidence, self-esteem, determination, and independence. Of course these concepts also include the four virtues, and men and women should be taught these new values. Families, schools, and society should stop teaching girls and women the mentality of dependence, or dependence on men. If women continue depend on men, they will be controlled and they cannot stand up for their rights and opportunities, and they cannot unlock their potential and ability.

Second, the male group of students shared their understanding on “Youth Perspectives on Body Image.” They said that all people are born with a unique appearance. Appearance seems very important for everyone because this characteristic draw people’s attention and judgement. Appearance is a prerequisite for success or failure in an individual's career. Physical appearance relates directly to self-esteem and confidence in a negative or positive way. Women today are required to maintain a good or pretty look more than are men. Women care more about their physical beauty and have more pressure on this matter, compared to men in general.

The final topic was about “Love and Money in Equal Relationships.” The speaker, Nguyen Thi Ngoc-Master of Social Work and Psychology, stated that gender equality is about equal positions, roles and opportunities. So how do we achieve gender equality? Are we sitting there waiting for gender equality? Absolutely not. We have to fight for that. Ms. Ngoc shared a story related to a couple who she helped in family therapy sessions. This couple loved each other passionately and seemed equal in many ways. However, the husband often required the wife to care about him and be available whenever he needed her. He was very demanding, controlling, and dominating, even though they both worked and earned incomes independently. They eventually broke up with each other.

Talking about money in relationships is very sensitive and people often avoid talking about it, but it is one of key elements causing broken relationships. For example, discussing finances when having dates, men still typically pay for bills on dates. It is expected that men are breadwinners and support the family. Is that fair for men? We want to be equal, but many women still expect men to always pay for bills or even lead for everything in relationships, including asking women on dates, deciding where to go, even in the bedroom, and buying a house.  Ms. Ngoc said we need to reconsider these issues if we want to be equal in relationships.

Finally, moving on to the discussion part of the symposium, the audience asked many questions and excitedly shared stories on money, domination, and gender roles in real life. They drew conclusions that to be equal in personal relationships is not easy, because we are embedded with patriarchal ideology. It takes time for us to learn about gender equality and learn how to balance our relationships.

 

FEEDBACK FROM THE AUDIENCE

·       Huynh Yen Nhi-Marketing major-said “After studying the Gender and Development course, I became very interested in gender issues. Gender Talk #1 indeed is a very interesting and engaging talk because of the participation from students and experts. The talk helped me gain more knowledge about gender issues and gender stereotypes, as well as gender inequality that have been happening every day, but I did not notice before. I thought that my boyfriend pays whenever we go out for dates is a must, but now I need to reconsider about it. I hope Gender Talk will continue to serve us for 3 critical reasons.

 

Firstly, the vast majority of people do not have adequate knowledge of gender inequality. Second, gender inequality needs to be frankly debated at schools and universities. Finally, Gender Talk is a place where gender stereotypes are broken down, questions are raised, and different points of view are respected, understood and discussed. As for myself, coming to Gender Talk #1, I also have the opportunity to exchange my thoughts with friends and experts so that I can gain more knowledge and more perspectives on gender issues, rights and responsibilities. Lastly, I will definitely participate in Gender Talk #2. Thank you very much to the Organizers.”

 

·       Tran Trong Ngan shared “When I heard about Gender Talk#1, I was interested in joining right away. Gender Talk #1 is a very lively and meaningful event. Here, we are very safe to exchange knowledge that is new to us. The participants are from different walks of life, from students of many universities, staff from NGOS and social institutions, and even parents of students coming to Gender Talk as well. All three topics discussed are burning and debatable issues. I heard a lot of sharing and personal stories that I would never have known them before. Finally, I am looking forward to Gender Talk #2 with different topics, lively knowledge, and more valuable lessons again. Thank you.”

 

·       Thai Ho Thien Thanh expressed “Thanh was one of the guests who attended the Gender Talk #1 this afternoon. I would like to express my sincere thanks to Ms. Ngoc as well as speakers for interesting talks. I am interested in reflective questions from Ms. Ngoc. These questions have been made me to think deeper on gender issues. Though we cannot change society just after one talk show, but we can recognize gender inequality exists and that is the first step on advancing such a journey.”

By Doan Thi Ngoc- HSU Lecturer and The Founder of Gender Talk

https://news.hoasen.edu.vn/vi/tin-hoa-sen/gender-talk-1-tinh-va-tien-trong-binh-dang-gioi-5289.html