Children of Single-Parent Families
When it
comes to nuclear families, people immediately think of families having two parents
and children. Yet today's nuclear families should perhaps include families with
children and only a single parent, either mother or father. However, the
majority of single parents, estimated at 90%, consist of a mother with a child.
The father’s role is either absent or hidden or sometimes he is allowed to see the
child once weekly or monthly.
Following the
pace of urbanization and globalization single-parent status has been increasing.
In the
In the
current era, people seem to be more open and increasingly sympathetic to single
mothers. In some instances it may be considered as part of the pride of modern
women who have a higher education and economic stability, and who are able to
handle their families well without the assistance of a male partner.
Many years
ago, a French sociologist asked "where's the father?" when there was
an increasing absence of the father in the family. There may no longer be
images of the contemporary mother as “gentle” and the contemporary father as
“serious” as the expected characteristics that parents should have displayed in
the past. There may no longer be statements such as “Without the father in the
family it is like a house without a roof” or “Còn cha gót đỏ như son/ một mai
cha chết gót con như chì”. These proverbs mean that the role of the father is
very important in the family. Without the father in the family, children grew
up in an unhealthy manner due to the unbalanced roles.
These days,
although single mothers may be proud that they do not need to rely on their
partners or any shoulders to lean on, the question may be asked as to how they
hide hardship, sleepless nights and days when they forget to eat in order to
take care of their children, how they forget the time when their babies become
ill or ask about their father, how they hide their emotion and bitterness when
they have to strive to earn a living alone and then run short of money and
resources, and how they face the stigma of the community and society at large.
How about
the children without a father? Are they torn in the protruding structure of a
single-parent family and do they get confused like a “boat without an engine”
or are they like a “horse without a bridle” in this complicated life?
Traditionally, we needed men with physical strength. For example, in the
How about
the opinions of the children? Listen to an insider: "Having no father, I always longed to say the word
“Dad” throughout my childhood. I often had tears in my eyes when I saw my
friends talking with their dads and their dads taking them back and forth to
school every day. But me, I was alone going back and forth to school regardless
of the weather conditions because my mom had to earn a living to feed me and
pay my tuition. Seeing my mom take on all of my dad’s responsibilities made my
heart sink" (Hai Đăng, TTO).
According to
the literature, children in single parent families may suffer some defects that
are inevitable and are revealed gradually with age. Children in single-parent
families show twice the abnormal behavior compared with those of two-parent
families. Some children become selfish, demanding, cold, blaming, revengeful, and
jealous and others quit school, suffer substance abuse and psychological
disorders which are twice those of children having both parents. The majority
of these children is often absent from their classes or drop out and has low
self-esteem, poor academic grades, and problems with their teachers and classmates.
This situation lasts during their entire teenage period and they internalize
all of the negativities: "Children
without a father are very sensitive, vulnerable, or pitiful, feel guilty,
always feel the lack of love, and isolate or contain themselves; therefore,
they become easily depressed. How can a child, growing up in such an
environment, obtain enough strength to weather the storms of life?" by
Hai Dang.
From a
positive point of view, if a single mother or father has good parenting skills
and is knowledgeable about raising their children in the best way suitable for
their circumstances, the children will still be able to have a happy and
positive life as do many other children. Sometimes children of a single-parent
family have a strong and dynamic experience while growing up which is an
"offset" in life. They learn and practice an early sense of
responsibility, have a strong will, know how to take care of the house, help
their mother or father, bear hardships and overcome difficulties, and do not
have a mentality of dependency.
The biggest
risk is that the children may be spoiled because the single mother often loves
and cares too much for the child. The mother sometimes forgets that the child
is still a child. The child seems to act as an adult in the family and may soon
become adult-like. In any case single mothers must be resilient and establish
family rules and boundaries that are openly and respectfully discussed between
the mother and the child. Single mothers should not necessarily turn themselves
into males, or take on the role and responsibilities of males because there are
relatives such as uncles and cousins, as well as social and religious
organizations and society at large. These can help children in single-parent
families develop normally as they go through the various stages of life, especially
during the puberty stage of human development.
In the case
of divorce or separation, the law usually directs that the children see their father
or mother every week or once a month. These visits usually do not seem like
endless fun as shown in movies but rather as stress for children. The children
sometimes are in a “tight-rope-walking in the air” situation between father and
mother being pulled to one side or the other and being a reluctant
"spy".
Depending on
their age, when kids know how to take care of themselves they should be allowed
to take on responsibilities, create opportunities and an environment so they
may learn from good examples in real life. It is not necessary for children of a
single-parent family to have low self-esteem because having a successful
journey in life mainly relies on their personal will and courage, and a
life-long spirit of self-learning and overcoming difficulties. They must look
at the positive aspects of life because there are many good examples of those
without a father or mother who have become successful in real life. Reading good books such as “The Seed of Mind”,
“Positive Thoughts”, and “Examples of Great People” will nurture a noble soul
and patience, creativity, and motivation. In addition, there is an expression,
“a sound mind in a sound body” which everyone should remember. Every individual
should exercise daily, stay away from substance abuse, and avoid smoking.
In
conclusion, as the author of this article, I would like to borrow the following
statement from Hai Đang: "It is the choice of a courageous individual who
wants to be a single-parent. However, if I had the chance to speak up as a child
yearning for a father, I would wish that every woman thinks of the future of
her child before deciding whether or not to have children on their own. Please
think about whether your child can grow up in a happy way or whether the soul
of your child may be defective so that nothing can compensate for it ...
". However, first and foremost every father should be a good father in the
family and we wish that every nuclear family be made up of both parents and
children.
Dr. Do Hong Ngoc
Translated into English by Doan Thi Ngoc
